On December 2nd 2011 at 9pm and for only £5 (can you really put a price on surviving the coming apocalypse(s)) you can witness Matt & Stu in full-flow along with the very special guest host: MATTHEW CROSBY.

For full details and to book tickets click HERE.

For the press release please click APOCALYPSO Press Release 11_11

Apocalypso! Adventures in time, travel and time travel.

We’ve been time-traveling for quite a while now and this has brought with it some much needed experience. The sort of experience that tells Stuart that a Dairy Milk based easter egg will always taste better than any of the competitors. The sort of experience that tells us to bring more than one copy of The Reader’s Digest. The sort of experience that tells Matt that a banjo can be a joy to listen to but it rarely is when continuous play enters into the fifth hour. (I can hear some of you asking: “How long does it take to travel through time?”)

Entering a new era

What we’ve also learnt is that trying to save the world can be a slow process. Between February 2010 and May 2011 we have done, a record breaking, 14 presentations. That means we have attempted to educate nearly fifty “past-people”. We have come to realise that that will not be enough to save the world, in fact, it will barely be enough to save 50 “past-people” because most of those seemed to be convinced that we were either mad, bad or a comedy double act.

So we enter a new era. An era when we will absolutely not stop, EVER, until you are SAFE. We have an upcoming presentation that we think you’d do well to attend – we will enter our full presentation into your heads so that you, the past, will be safe from the horrific future.

And to answer the question that some of you were asking (“How long does it take to travel through time?”) I will say this: “How long is a piece of string theory?”

One of the popular criticisms from people that don’t realise that time travel is not only inevitable but fairly simple is the fact that people from the past never see people from the future. Now, as a time-traveler myself, I can expose this fallacy as being a bit, well phallusy (as in: a load of male genitalia). I, along with Matt, are able to travel through time to whenever we want and we do so in the hope of educating the past about the future.

Apocalypso! prove credentials (Photo by www.portrait100.co.uk)

On September 21st 2010 we arrived back in your time and gave one of our famous (as in: not famous) presentations to the gathered proles at the event: Clown Chowder. It turns out we had booked ourselves in at a comedy gig and as such were treated with less reverie and more irony than we expected.

And now, as we prepare to embark on another adventure in time, travel and time travel (As in: we have two presentations during this week in 2010) I have ended up contemplating the other famous time-travelers that met derision. When we discovered the time machine it came with a manual and in the back of that manual there is some hilarious recanting of time-travel gone wrong. If you can imagine a themed episode of You’ve Been Framed (as in: the theme is time-travel) has been written down in the back of an otherwise fairly dry operating manual. That’s what it’s like. What follows are my three favourite “clips” from ‘Now That’s What I Call Time Travel 2042 – The Manual’.

Now That's What I Call Time Travel 2042 - The Manual

Nikola Tesla

The man was a small-time cabaret performer whose “Wild Serb” act was nominated as the Worst Newcomer at the Camden Fringe in 2037. He was a personal assistant to one of the lead scientists on the time machine project and, having stolen some executive toys and fancy dress, he made a one-way trip to 1880. However on re-entry he landed on a cow, was knocked unconscious and woke up in the middle of a university being cheered on by local Prague residents who thought he was being hazed.

Adrian Chiles

A time-travel tourist who was the victim of a time-travel agent’s malpractice. Re-entry is only supposed to occur in unpopulated areas but Mr. Chiles found himself sitting on a sofa, in front of some television cameras, and about to go live to the country. Everyone who saw the re-entry assumed it was camera trickery and, convinced by Mr. Chiles’ natural ebullience, continued as normal. Such was the collective indifference, not one person from the entire crew thought to tell the story to their family after work.

The Numa Numa Guy

Re-entry plonked him onto a diving board that he subsequently slipped on and ended up belly-flopping into the pool. His anger at no-one filming his painful pratfall led to him dreaming up ever more elaborate comedy accidents, so as to become famous as: “The Bin On His Head Guy”, “The Fell Down The Stairs Guy” or “The Walked Into A Patio Door Guy”.

The point of all of this is that we will be re-entering time tomorrow evening (as in: Wednesday, 6th October) to do a presentation at The Ideas Factory and will then hang around until Friday (as in Friday, 8th October) to do another presentation at The Fix. We promise we may help to save your lives.

THE IDEAS FACTORY – 730PM, 6th October, 2010

OLD CROWN PUB, 33, NEW OXFORD STREET, WC1A 1BH

THE FIX PRESENTS JOHN KEARNS DINNER PARTY – 730PM, 8th October, 2010

CANAL CAFE THEATRE, DELAMERE TERRACE, LITTLE VENICE, LONDON, W2 6ND

It was with some excitement that we made it back to 2010 for our presentation on May 1st 2010. We were asked to present by Kurt Driver and Brendan Cleaves – two bright, young things brimming with spunk – who we had met at a presentation a couple of flusters back in time. Of course, to them, it was barely a few weeks. But time-travel is a funny old game, or as my uncle used to say before the plagues:

“Time-travel is next to worthless if you want to get to Crete for a holiday, unless you time-travel to a time when travel didn’t cost so much.”

He was a gentle soul.

So once we arrived at The Fifty-Five Bar in Camden and saw the set-up we were tickled in the face by contrasting emotions. Once again we seem to have been booked for an event that didn’t appreciate the severity of the warning that we carried. In an absurd case of mistaken identity we were also mistaken for caretakers, handed a couple of breem and asked to clear detritus from the night before. We were therefore despondent. But local school children had painted a picture of us.

Painted and Proud

It’s at times like that that that decision to include an exclamation mark in our name would be most keenly felt. Yeah, we do talk about the apocaliypses (plural of apocalypse) but we do retain a cheeky sense of fun. Matt did the usual, swift, headcount and revealed our prospective audience to be in the vicinity of double-figures, I wouldn’t be so bold as to suggest that it was beyond that elusive 10. “Not to worry” soothed a little voice, and Matt was right – there was so much bonhomie swilling about that it seemed churlish to worry that perhaps we’re going about our mission in entirely the wrong way.

If the past know almost nothing about the future then the knowledge that we bring should surely be met by hordes of people, desperate to know how to avoid certain death in the upcoming apocalypse. Playing at small venues in the south-east of England, being laughed at for attempting to educate and then getting stranded in 2010 because the time machine keeps defragmentizing itself is not the way I imagined our mission turning out. 1 minute till presentation time…

Always wearing, always ready

We took to the makeshift stage after Brendan had blown our “big-opening” by telling everyone we were from the future. It actually helped make us seem less like nutters. We smoothly progressed through the presentation, I was delighted to see that Matt had made a pie chart to help educate people, but were then startled to observe a stream of newcomers meander into the venue.

The crowd had swollen to well over 40 and Matt correctly identified that of the newcomers there was definitely a clan leader. He spoke for the rest, and he spoke with charm. He did not, he did not, however, though, advise the clan to listen to our presentation. As they all ordered drinks with the gayest abandon and fevered fervour I struggled boyfully to get them all up to speed.

CONCLUSIONS REACHED:

• Clans don’t take easily to the concept of time-travelers, no matter how charming they are.
• Drinking takes precedence over knowledge of forthcoming apocali (plural for apocalypse).
• The software for the time machine relies on general knowledge far too much.
• We did connect with about six of the audience and I really hope they survive the closest apocalypse (singular of apocalypode)
  

Howdy Future-Fans and Past-Philes!!! We landed back in 2010 last Thursday after sneaking into the office and programming Ol’ Trusty (the time machine). Unfortunately, due to errors, I assume by Matt, we are unable to activate the “Return Module” (little device that has a green button that when we press it will return us to our own time) until Tuesday at the earliest. It currently stands at 63% defragmentationized and, if anything, is slowing down. Partly due to spilling milk on it yesterday.

We returned because I had booked us in to present at the most prestigious of London venues… Big Ben! We were very excited about finally having a chance to spread out our message to as big an audience as possible. Unfortunately it turned out to The Red Lion pub, NEAR Big Ben. Nevertheless we ploughed on and furrowed a few brows in the event of turning-up the field of an audience.

“Stuart, I don’t think you do enough references to farming.” whispered Matt to Stuart, just before I wrote the above paragraph.

Apocalypso! @ Big Ben

The main problem for us is the fact that we are now stuck here till Tuesday and have nowhere to live. If anyone can offer a bed (one will do, Matt is happy to let me sleep) or even a doorstep then that’d be much appreciated. Don’t worry about Friday night though as I have booked us in to do another presentation and we can probably hide in the venue’s toilets all night. But please come see us:

The Fix Presents:
Friday 23rd April 2010

Keith Platt + Apocalypso + Special Guests
@ Camden Head

London
7:30 – 11:30 PM

£6.00

BOOK TICKETS HERE:

http://www.thefixonline.com/live.php?id=1234

So, back now in 2042 and it’s time to reflect on another successful time travel. That is, the time travel aspect was successful in that we arrived in 2010 and are now back in 2042. The mission to educate the past about the future went less well. Anyway, here we are waiting backstage for our call to start our presentation.

Matt and Stu backstage

We started our presentation with trademark enthusiasm, despite Stuart “doing a sicky” where all the pub’s barrels are stored. Upon presenting the key theme (a “dire” warning) there was bemused laughter. The seven people in the audience were not the leading political and humanitarian leaders we had hoped for. It seems that our message was somewhat diminished.

“It seems our message was somewhat diminished” whimpered Matt, unaware that bits of cobweb were in his hair – further diminishing any possible portentousness(ity).

Despondent, yet elated that we had provided temporary entertainment to a room full of doomed humans, we headed backstage to discuss reasons why people don’t take us seriously. But hello! Someone had left a barrel out and, never one to shirk a challenge, Matt started to deadlift.

The deadlift

Spirits cheered, many thanks to all at Torriano’s for taking the time to treat a couple of mere time-travelers so well, we found a secluded area and activated the ‘return panel’. Bish, 2042 was there in all it’s de-saturated glory.

Business has been slow and Matt had a fungal infection, and further slaughter happened on our estate. But 2010 is the start of something special for Matt and Stu (and by something special we mean, doing more public performances). So as the apocalypse nears for everyone in the past (our past, your present) we have committed to regular forays back through time to educate the past about the future.

Starting this Thursday, at the Freedom of The Fringe night in Kentish Town, Apocalypso! will be a more regular feature in 2010.

“We really want to help the people of the past survive the imminent atrocities that will befall them” – Matt

We can get access to twitter in 2042 so will be regularly tweeting what we’re up to, sure to be a lot of fun and futuristic things that you will struggle to comprehend.

Latest tweet from Matt and Stu @2042lovesu – “Just ate a grapefruit for the first time in three years.”

We are looking forward to spending more time with you “pasties” (pronounced parstees) and developing a healthy sense of camaraderie.

Next Performance Details

• Date:	Thursday, February 25, 2010
  Time:	8:00pm – 11:00pm
  Location:	71-73 Torriano Ave Kentish Town NW5